Fear is the foundation of most governments.
-John Adams
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
ATTN: IMPORTANT MEMO
RETRACTIONS AND CORRECTIONS DIVISION
Dear Conspiracy Theorists,
In light of recent developments in the United States political system, we no longer have need of your long-winded rants on how the federal government is plotting one thing or another to make slaves of us all. It is now abundantly clear that such is the case, and has been for quite some time.
While we appreciate your past efforts to alert the public by lecturing on the New World Order and often drooling obscenely, your particular insights are no longer needed and were, we are sorry to say, off-base and naive.
From now on certain Conspiracy Theories will be referred to as Official US Government Policy.
That said, there are a few clarifications we feel need to be made in order to minimize the number of errors in reporting on Official US Government Policy:
Re: FEMA. In the X-Files movie, FEMA was a shadow government poised to suspend all civil liberties and manage the country under martial law. We now know that FEMA is merely the branch of the shadow government in charge of ensuring that as many minorities die in times of crisis as possible, as well as confounding all efforts to effectively aid them after said crisis. We regret any confusion this may have caused.
Re: The NSA. Some feel the NSA manages Project Echelon, which monitors private communications in the US, filtering and collecting information on citizens without their consent. This is untrue. It is not called Project Echelon. It is called "a personal favor for the President."
Re: Civil liberties. There is no overarching plan by the Executive Branch to suspend civil liberties. The plan is instead piecemeal. Fewer people notice it that way.
Re: Concentration Camps. We have heard some groups report that the US has concentration camps within its borders in order to round up citizens unwilling to submit to a one-world government.
In some versions, the UN is implicated. This is completely false. The one-world government will be led by the United States, which will abolish the UN. The alleged concentration camps are not within US borders -- they are instead located in countries around the world so as to be free from Congressional oversight. At least until Congress is abolished.
Re: Satanic Government. Rumors abound that the Presidency is in league with Satan. Utterly ridiculous.The Presidency broke ties with Satan in the early 90s, shortly after Satan invaded Heaven with weapon systems sold to him by the US. There are now plans to invade Hell and depose Satan, in order to spread Freedom to the Damned.
Re: Vast Left/Right Wing Conspiracies. These terms have been merged. Henceforth the proper usage is Vast Political Clusterfuck.
Re: Votescam. Now a registered trademark of Diebold. Forget that you may have ever heard of such a thing. There is no possible way that a private company with no oversight could tamper with unverifiable digital information in machines which they constructed.
Re: Global Warming. This utterly laughable notion should be disregarded at all costs. High temperatures, increase of tropical storms and melting polar ice caps should be referred to as Perfectly Natural Highly Anomalous Weather Fluctuation No Reason To Be Alarmed. All queries should be directed toward the completely objective Agency for Investigating P.N.H.A.W.F.N.R.T.B.A, funded by a real thorough (we promise) energy conglomerate.
Re: The Jews run everything and wish to take over the world. This has been modified in light of the Global War On Terrorism. The proper formulation is now, "The Muslims wish to run everything and take over the world." Though it is, apparently, acceptable to affirm that the Jews run Hollywood.
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The following theories, which do not quite meet Official US Government Policy standards, have been superseded and do not require further investigation or elaboration:
1. John F. Kennedy was assassinated by some kind of labyrinthine conspiracy.
We get it. Nobody cares. From this point in time, the commonly accepted scapegoat is Bill Clinton. Feel free to add all the convoluted connections your heart desires, just make sure the endpoint is always Bill Clinton.
2. Aliens do stuff/trade technology/mutilate cattle/stick things in your anus/have already invaded.
You know what, just blame this on Bill Clinton, too.
3. The US, since 1933, has been in a state of perpetual National Emergency. Therefore, the President may, at any given time, suspend the Constitution, enforce martial law and inter hundreds of thousands of US citizens in detention camps without due process or criminal charge.
Dude, we're at war! We don't even need to declare a National Emergency. Blank check, muthafuckah!
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Also, please refrain from any more comparisons alluding to George Orwell's 1984 or any work by Franz Kafka. We are well aware of the concept of Newspeak and still cannot recognize it, even when it's employed nearly every day by the media, political figures and our own families, so further lessons are redundant and ineffective. And Kafka's continual drumming of man's constant and unfulfillable quest for meaning doesn't make anybody feel better.
It should also be noted that we cannot seem to tell systemic incompetence in our government from organized malevolence. As a result, we let a few too many things slide. We should have realized this sooner and regret the oversight.
We will try harder in the future to recognize the difference; Though no effort will be put forth to stop either.
