Fear is the foundation of most governments.
-John Adams
Saturday, August 19, 2006
AMERICAN POLITICS
THE CENTER FOR ORGANIZED DECEPTION A SHORT Q&A
Welcome to America!
We know some of our ways may seem awkward to visitors, but rest assured that our system is one of the finest in the world. We're here to take your questions and answer them in a manner that might be comprehensible to your miniscule foreign brain.
Q: I've been following the Lieberman v. Lamont race in Connecticut and I'm confused. How can a member of the House of Lords be challenged for his rightful seat? True, Lamont is landed gentry, upper crust to the core, but he seems to lack the proper deference to the throne of Bush II that Lieberman exhibits, a result of years spent honing the courtier instincts. How can we trust that Lamont would gain the necessary cravenness and servility befitting a US Senator?
A: Unfortunately, there are certain shady elements who are of the opinion that Congressional elections are held in order to allow challengers an opportunity to try for a spot in the US Congress; This is an urban legend. Elections are meant to be a formality. You are correct in your assessment that Lamont does not scurry about on his belly like a proper Senator. Have no fear - should he win he will be neutered and given a lobotomy, making him more than able to fill Lieberman's bipartisan dancing shoes.
Q: According to the Republicans, the Democrats are in trouble and unorganized and support terrorists. Why do the Democrats continue to deny their opponents' characterizations of them?
A: While it often seems as if the best way to win an election is to internalize the bullshit and often racist slurs of your political enemies, every so often such a strategy backfires and must be altered. Thus the Democrats have decided to use reverse psychology on their base, claiming that they don't support terrorists, aren't in trouble and are, in fact, organized. This kind of dense, coded language will send clear signals to the voters that obviously the Republicans would never lie through their fucking teeth in order to cling tenaciously to power. As if.
Q: The recent ruling that the secret NSA spying program is unconstitutional seems to seriously undercut the unchecked, rampant, lawless, vicious, malignant font of unlimited power due to the Executive Branch. What gives a federal judge the right to judge? How is the Vice President supposed to protect us from the immediate danger the United States faces from being able to make phone calls or send e-mails without government intrusion if he can't use his illegal electronic spying network?
A: Federal judges are apparently allowed to speak on the legality of certain programs. This is an oversight and will be corrected shortly. Rest assured that immediately after the verdict the government filed an appeal which allowed them to pry into every nook and cranny of your personal life. The Vice President cares. Especially since you appear to be running a few too many Google searches for hardcore teen pornography. This might make you a terrorist.
Q: I heard that the left-wing blogs engage in blogofascism and take marching orders from Sturmgruppenfuhrer Kos. What kind of insidious threat do these people represent?
A: Left-wing blogofascists satisfy all of Umberto Eco's checklist of Ur-fascism. They are a cult of tradition, as is evident by their constant appeals to progressive values and embrace of counterculture elements. They reject modernism, which can be seen in how they utilize emerging technologies and respect enlightenment values such as Reason and the scientific method. They believe in action for action's sake, as seen in their support for intellectual pursuits and liberal values. They think that disagreement with authority is treason, which should be obvious from their staunch opposition to the President and his policies. They hate diversity, which is why they support homosexual rights, affirmative action, racial and gender equality, tolerance, etc. They are staunchly nationalistic, from which arises their harsh critiques of the military, economic and social policies of the United States. They shun pacifism, evident by their intense objection to the Iraq war. They have contempt for the weak, seen by their belief in universal health care and a strong welfare net. You get the idea. These people are clearly dangerous and they are online. The damage they might to do the nation's strategic reserve of bits is nothing compared to what might happen should they target our bytes.
Q: A large percentage of the American people still believe that Weapons of Mass Destruction were found in Iraq. How fucking dumb are you guys?
A: Pretty fucking dumb.
That's all the time we have today. As you begin the plunge into the intricacies of the American political system, you may find that we're making a few changes. Please pardon our progress.
We're working on getting rid of the last vestiges of the solid bedrock of our founding principles and it's tough work!
