Fear is the foundation of most governments.
-John Adams
Friday, February 17, 2006
THE DEEP ONES
HATERS BALL: PUNDIT EDITION
Ann Coulter's shtick seems very familiar.
If you should have the gross misfortune of reading a transcript of her pseudospeeches, you might wonder if she's just fielding material from an upcoming book, "Totally Tasteless Jokes About Liberals (with a Muslim Chaser)."
Her routine is really just Andrew Dice Clay's mundane obscenity shat through a white supremacist's puckered sphincter. Her zingers are about as edgy as a grade-school snaps contest. Her analysis of current events, if sufficiently dumbed down, might be fit for a Prussian Blue concert. Her whorish, skeleton looks titillate the conservative erectile dysfunction crowd just enough for them to cheer on her tedious diatribes against liberals, Muslims and organisms with functioning neurons.
Consequently, her most ardent supporters beam at her neverending stream of epithets, which grow ever more deep South, and only-kidding death threats.
In truth, her 'just a joke' mantra is a wink to all like-minded bigots listening in that they aren't alone in their eliminationist fundamentalist power-fantasies. Ms. Coulter represents that most ghoulish of creature: the charismatic hatemonger. The energy she channels comes straight from the fear response, which she easily redirects into frustration and hatred.
The best she could offer the world would be an apology and a quiet suicide.
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Michelle Malkin, on the other hand, couldn't be more pleasant. Like getting a morphine shot while your perforated bowels spill waste into your bloodstream. Sure, you're getting poisoned, but you're also getting numbed.
She's the tender face of bigotry. She has the dubious honor of being the token minority advocating institutional racism. Which, we assume, means that in Dante's Inferno she would have some particularly brutal poetic punishment, like being forced to sodomize herself while feces poured eternally from her mouth.
She dedicates a large portion of her writing to lame justifications for rounding up Muslims and placing them in internment camps. This seems to be the sum total of her domestic anti-terror policy. We can only assume, based on her demeanor, that her foreign policy couldn't be anything other than genocide, though done with a serious, professional expression. And only, of course, because we were "forced" toward such action.
For her, the best recourse in the face of violent extremists is to react with extreme violence. She also advocates casting the net as wide as her hatred will allow, which turns out to be pretty undiscerning.
Thus she manages skull-curdling amounts of cognitive dissonance without breaking a sweat. The only time she comes up for air from her flogging of another easily-exploitable anti-Muslim "scoop" is to take lazy potshots at Clinton and, naturally, liberals.
She also has a penchant for styling herself as a watchdog for subversive attacks on the troops. She takes on softball military causes, invents some enemies and then sings paeans to her own good judgment and swift action.
Since she seems to have such affection for defending the armed forces, and such hatred for the jihadists, we suggest she get down to a recruitment center. According to her bio, she was born in 1970, which puts her well within age limits to serve her country as more than a cautionary tale against dumbing yourself down just to get an audience.
We suggest the Marine Corps. Parris Island knows just what to do with such talented, opinionated egomaniacs.
And there are probably more than a few drill instructors in need of rim jobs.
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If we were to compare the queens of anti-Muslim punditry, Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter, to two figures from fascist history, we could easily go with Hitler and Goebbels.
Ann as der Fuhrer, ridiculously ugly, spittle-laden shrieking squalls against the "infection" threatening the world, and Michelle the good little propagandist, coating her animus in a self-congratulating "for the good of the world" shlock.
Of course, using Nazis is so overdone.
How about Michelle as Lenin, shrewd, seemingly-incisive but in actuality spectacularly dense, misreading history at every turn and presenting the flawed conclusions as insight. Ann, then, is Stalin, blunt, brutal and dumb as a sack of hammers, with no policy whatsoever other than conquest and domination.
